Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, you discover the FDA allows 13 insect heads per 100 grams of fig paste. Suddenly, your world is turned upside down. There are facts that are better left unknown (i.e., canned fruit juices can contain a maggot for every 250 milliliters) and some that are fun party conversation (i.e., May 29th is officially “Put a Pillow on Your Fridge Day.“ It’s coming up so get your pillows ready folks).
In that vein, I present:
5 Things Friday: The Weird Human Body, Fun Party Conversation Edition
1. Why doesn't your stomach digest itself? Because your stomach cells are created faster than they can be destroyed. BAM.
That is a serious turnover rate. Way to go stomach. Keeping it on the level. And in my case, my stomach is already full of cake. So… the enzymes are, uh, busy.
2. The skin is the largest organ in your body; if an adult male's skin were to be stretched out, it would cover 20 square feet. EW.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” Shout out to Thomas Harris for writing the book, that would be adapted into the screenplay, that would arguably be the scariest movie ever. And to Ted Levine for playing that super-creepy weirdo so convincingly that I couldn’t ever look at a dress form again. Or hold a poodle. Or sleep.
Seriously though, skin is super important. Also moisturizer is super important. This is why things like essential oils can be used simply by putting them on your body. And also why you should never rub yourself down with an Oreo, despite its creamy interior.
3. Men produce about 10 million new sperm daily (approximately enough to repopulate the entire planet in 6 months). WHOA.
And there are 280 million sperm in one ejaculate. That doesn’t add up. Especially if you’re 18.
In other news, most of those little guys end up in the toilet, or a sock, or a tissue. Or whatever is nearby. Which is probably the most sensible use of 280 million sperm.
4. The average person produces enough saliva in their lifetime to fill 2 swimming pools. And that is just gross.
Anyone care to go for a swim? Does that mean, by the time you’re 20, you could fill a spa? Because I could really use a soak.
5. Your brain uses about 20% of your oxygen and caloric intake. GET IT BRAIN. WERK.
And furthermore, the larger your head, the larger your brain. And therefore the following calculations are scientifically proven: Big head = big brain = more calorie and oxygen intake, and it then follows that big head = big brain = more cake.
Also I’m worried about my stomach cells.
BRB cake.
